Is He Ok?

Sometimes I land in conversations about patriarchy that empathetically lay out all the ways it harms women without exploring what it’s like on the other side.

“Why should we?” I’ve been asked, “when men literally did this to themselves.”

Patriarchy is a long-standing system that generally confers greater degrees of social and legal power to men but sometimes we talk about it like it was made yesterday and the men alive today are each somehow directly responsible for everything that has happened, is happening and will happen.

Sometimes, we forget that they too are shaped by forces beyond their control and guided by systems that predate the draw of their first breath.

“So you’re just making excuses for bad behaviour?” No.

I’m acknowledging that each of us is taught how to walk through the world and that framing men as inherently evil and predatory doesn’t feel honesty and discussing masculinity like it’s a genetic disease doesn’t feel fair. It also sets up a framework to discuss social issues around sex and gender in a way that dismisses any nuance and potential for real change.

There’s this anthropologist named James C. Scott who explains that, “What is inadmissible, both morally and scientifically, is the hubris that pretends to understand the behaviour of human agents without for a moment listening systematically to how they understand what they are doing and how they explain themselves.” (Two Cheers for Anarchism: Six Easy Pieces on Autonomy, Dignity and Meaningful Work and Play)

I think there’s more room to get curious about men’s experiences in ways that feel more down-to-earth than the “men re trash” vs. “not all men” dichotomy we find ourselves in today.

I tried to go into more detail on this in a piece I started (but never finished) writing about coming of age and male socialization. I opened with a section amusingly titled

“Pussy over Pokémon”